Misconception Volume 1. I am scared of how many people you could date.

On more than one occasion someone I am dating will slowly begin to pull away. They start acting awkward or will get upset then bite there tongue when I ask them what is wrong. Eventually it will come out.

“I am worried you could leave me for another man/woman because you are Bi. I can’t give you everything you want.”

I have heard this enough times that at this point I actively have to check my rage. Take a moment dear reader and do some math with me.

First, straight men and gay women are out of the pool of possible partners for someone like me, not a big surprise there. Second, believe it or not I get as much hate and awkwardness from gay men as I do straight women. I know it seems strange to suggest that gay men could be homophobic but you would be surprised how many of them have a vary narrow view on what does and does not count as “gay”. I am not so self-loathing that I would want to be with someone that is not okay with who I am.

Now for the bit you would not have guessed. Some people fetishize me. Some want me as a their third with their committed partner. Some women have no interest in me other than to see me have sex with a man. I feel completely foolish when I don’t see the bi-bate in front of me. I am also 100% sure this is not unique to bi individuals. It makes me incredibly wary of the people I let into my life.

My sexuality is not a never ending quest to bed everyone I can and I am not preoccupied with the sex I am not having. I want connection. If you have made it past the friend stage and the walls I have to put up to protect myself you aren’t just a body that exists for my pleasure.

You are my partner.

I can understand insecurities and fears. Hell, I live with them myself. Sexually does not change a persons desire for relationships, that is a whole different spectrum. If you are lucky enough to find a bi man who isn’t erased or closeted, consider them like you would anyone else. Are they loyal, supportive, a complete trash fire? Do not think that a persons sexuality mean they are automatically anything other than human. Start thinking of this as a relationship question, not a sex question.

Why a blog?

I will make this simple. I am not going to sell anything. I am not here for you. I am here for me. I come from the time of live journals and perhaps that means I am a bit to old for something like this or that I have picked the wrong platform for what I want to do. So be it.

My name is not Mason. I will not be sharing my real identity because I simply don’t want to. I am not a person who posts much anywhere and unlike everyone else in my generation I simply missed the crushing need to case likes. “Why a blog then?” you may ask. Something happened to me.

Recently I met a hilarious and smart man through a common friend and I was asked to come out to a poetry night at a local coffee bar. I didn’t even know people still did that. He was attractive and lets face it I have been a bit of a homebody lately so I wanted out of the house. The place smelled like cedar trees and burn coffee, which is like mixing one of my favorite smells with one of my least favorite. He was charming and we do the same kind of work so we had plenty to talk about and honestly the only thing that bothered me was that one to many buttons on his shirt where undone. After some polite conversation, and a bit of flirting, it was his time to go up and read his poetry. He looked good in the spot light, and he has that kind of classic hansom and well dressed vibe about him.

He began “I am not your homo-erotic boy toy”…… and my heart sunk.

He wove a narrative of his time in high school, when he fell in love with a young boy he met in science class. He spoke of the secret nature of their relationship and the feelings all teens get with their first crush. And it happened. He said exactly what I had heard a million times, exactly what dozens of men who where my friends or ex-boyfriends had said when recounting their experiences with bi men.

“He left me for a woman. I never meant anything to him. I was just some experiment before returning to being straight”.

When he finished the poem the room lit up with applause. I imagine it had to do with his sincerity, his clear conviction and true feelings. It was obvious that it hurt him. He came back to the table with the smile of someone who had just done something incredibly difficult and was happy to have found acceptance and support for their pain. “What do you think?”, he asked me. I did the same thing I had done countless times in my life…… I passed.

I lied.

I told him it was great and that I could feel his emotion. I praised him. I knew he and I could not have a relationship or even a friendship because the emotional labor I would have go through to prop up the fake persona that I would have to adopt to keep the peace would be to much for me. I may not have given him enough credit as a person but honestly… I am tired. I ended the night early by giving an excuse that I had an early meeting and left.

In my life I have been many kinds of passing. Passing white, passing monogamist, passing straight, and passing gay. To me, passing is not just meeting the visible requirements or saying the right things so that people don’t see you as other, it is choosing to omit that you do not belong. As I have gotten older I have worked to recognize the moments where my instinct is to pass (school, work, family) and actively choose to be myself, chose to be out. This time, with this smart and hansom man, reminded me that I have an ingrained feeling that I will not be accepted by people who are gay or straight. So I am blogging.

I am blogging because I want a space to express the things I experience and unpack why I feel the need to pass when I should at least be honest about who I am. Is it self serving? Absolutely. Believe me, the irony of a man blogging about being honest with his feelings who will not share his actual name is not lost on me.